I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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