I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
