I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
