He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
