OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Randomize
