sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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