just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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