I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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