so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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