I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
