What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
She bit a glass in half.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
