He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
