How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
