it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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