She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
