Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
