you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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