remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
