RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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