I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
