wrigley field is MILF paradise
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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