Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
