That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
