Already got asked if we're dating
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
