Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
