it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
