ya dads aren't the best wingmen
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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