babies were throwing up all over the place
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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