i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
