Swine flu. Run for my life!
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
