Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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