I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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