I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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