We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
