sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
