Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
