The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
