Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
