The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
