ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
