sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
they're like a gay fantastic four
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
