I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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