At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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