You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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