I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
