I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
