so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
