I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
