I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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