So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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